I'm baaaccckk!

So I will freely admit that I am the world's worst blogger. Why would anyone keep coming back to read it when I only update it every three weeks?? My sweet sister on the West Coast who I don't talk to nearly enough emailed me to let me know she checks it every night to see if there are any updates. I am a terrible blogger . . . which, yet again, makes me fret about motherhood. You know, in my dream mother world, I wanna be one of these killer moms who leaves surprises in their kids' lunchboxes and coat pockets and always has creative ideas for how to spend a rainy day, blah blah blah. But the ENERGY . . . the main reason I haven't blogged in days and days and days is not necessarily that I haven't had the time. I've certainly had some time, even if not a lot. It's more the emotional (and creative) energy it takes to commit to doing it. There's a bit of performance pressure knowing that everyone is out there reading your thoughts. Do I really have anything interesting to say? Are the posts clever enough? Do they make people want to read more? What will the Turtle think one day when it reads its mom's first thoughts about it? A person could go nuts, especially when I know (rationally) that most people who are reading just want to know how things are going-- they're not necessarily tuning in for entertainment value. So sometimes I get tired just THINKING about the blog! But the blog I can turn off-- parenting I can't. It's rather daunting to consider. I know that as a parent, there are going to be times (probably lots of them) where I am going to let my kids down. But knowing that doesn't make it any better to look forward to . . .

Anyway, now that I've sufficiently thrashed myself, on to the update part! Part of the reason (only a small part) that I haven't written much is there hasn't been a whole lot exciting going on. Probably the biggest thing going on in Turtle-land is that Ed and I finished our Lamaze class last week. I became more convinced than I was going into the class that I really want to try to make it through labor and delivery without an epidural. I can't really explain why-- it's just a strong feeling that I have that it just seems like the right way for me. So we decided to hire a labor doula. Luckily, our Lamaze teacher is a certified labor doula herself, and Ed and I really liked her approach throughout our class. While she definitely has a bias towards no unnecessary interventions, she also sees her role as helping the mom and dad have whatever kind of birth experience they want to have. She's also extraordinarily knowledgeable and has a ton of experience with births, which is what I think really makes the most difference, especially for first-timers like us. Just knowing that she will be there for both Ed and me makes us feel considerably less apprehensive about the birth than I was feeling before (to the extent I was thinking about the birth at all! It's pretty easy to just tune out of all the stuff that happens when pregnancy comes to an end!). Another big advantage that we have is living about 5 minutes from the hospital, with no bad traffic patterns in our way. So unless my water breaks before I go into labor, we have the luxury to pretty much stay at home as long as we want to, which will make getting through early labor a lot easier. Again, it's all hard to imagine at this point, but at least we'll be as prepared as we can be. Now if we could only find time to practice all those breathing exercises . . .

We've been trying, slowly, to get around to participating in the HUGE consumer industry that is baby goods, but time keeps eluding us. There's a million things you can buy, but only a few dozen you really need. And for each of those things, there is an equally dizzying number of choices for which one to get. Again, every time I boot up the computer and start looking online at carseats, strollers, bathtubs, I just get tired. I know I've got to get a grip on it sooner or later, or else the Turtle will end up sleeping in a laundry basket wearing its dad's old Carolina t-shirts. Our plan is to hit Babies R Us this Saturday to start making some decisions. Maybe actually being in the store will force my hand??!!

On another Turtle-related front, I started taking knitting classes again, and this time have made enough progress that I think I probably won't put it back in the closet. Finding time is difficult, as always, but knitting is very meditative, and at least for what I'm doing now, is very easy but leads to a tremendous sense of accomplishment. Right now, I'm working on what the pattern calls the "8-hour baby blanket." I don't know about the 8-hour part, but I'm making at least some progress on my first homemade project for the Turtle. I picked a lime green color to match some of the nursery colors, and am about 1/8 of the way through. I'm reading a pattern and counting stitches for the first time, and it's amazing how it all comes together! Even though we still haven't done ANYTHING with the nursery (people keep saying we have plenty of time, but I keep thinking "We've been saying that for three months now!"), the Turtle will at least have a homemade blanket waiting for it when it arrives!

As for the Turtle itself, it has been having some rocking good time lately. At my last doctor's visit (about a week and a half ago), the doctor said I should start doing kick counts on a daily basis. Once you're past 28 weeks, the baby (supposedly!) starts to grow out of room to move as much, so kick counts are a good way to keep track of how active the baby is and to know whether the baby might be in distress. The idea is to see how long it takes for it to move ten times-- if it's under two hours, then everything is fine, as long as there hasn't been a big change in the pattern of movements. Well, I started keeping track, but quit after a few days because this thing KICKS ALL THE TIME! I think Ed was right that we have some kind of athlete growing in here. It's so funny, too, because it is always on the right side of my belly, and sometimes it downright tickles. A friend had told me this before, but there is truly nothing more surreal than sitting and watching something contort, roll around, and pop under the skin on your tummy-- it's really like having an alien in there (when I told my knitting teacher that we were calling the baby "The Turtle," she told me they called their first child the "UFO"-- "unidentified fetal object"-- pretty appropriate). It's wild. I am also starting to feel body parts pressing outward sometimes. Even though I can't really tell what they are (one always assumes it's feet, but who knows until a picture tells you how the baby's positioned!), it's still pretty amazing to experience.

I also had my rhoGAM shot at the last appointment-- this is the shot I have to get because I have rh negative blood. If Ed happens to have rh positive blood, then something can go jabberwocky with my antibodies, which is not a problem for this pregnancy, but could mean trouble for the next one, because the new antibodies could attack a future fetus. Or something like that. I just gritted my teeth and took the shot in my shoulder-- OUCH.

Anyway, that was a lot of chatter, but it pretty much gets you up to speed. We'll take another belly pic this week and post it (along with the 26- week picture I have yet to post!) so you can see the progress there. Quite frankly, I don't think I look even close to being almost 7 months pregnant, but I'll let you judge for yourself. I guess being tall has its advantages.

Once again, I will try to improve my blogging frequency . . . stay tuned.

And P.S.: The Turtle met the future first lady last night. I got a little teary speaking with her, just thinking about the two completely different worlds my child could potentially be born into. She hugged us and reassured us that we were all going to get Barack elected. It was awesome. And I sure hope she's right-- I know Ed and I are working very hard for it. OBAMABABY!

Baby, Meet Biden. Biden, Meet Baby

The Turtle took its first journey into the world of politics on Thursday. Ed and I have both become very involved with DC Young Lawyers for Obama and had the opportunity to attend a reception with Senator Biden on Thursday night. The senator delivered a fantastic speech, noting that this election is the most important of our collective lifetimes. After the speech concluded, Ed and I got in the handshake line. When Senator Biden reached us, I told him we were expecting our first child in December, and that, as a result, I could not agree with him more about how important this election is (more on that in a subsequent blog, I think). He flashed that million watt grin and asked, "Can I rub your belly? I'm Irish. It's lucky!" Now whether the luck is intended for us and the Turtle or for Barack and him, I'm not sure, but either way sounded pretty good to me, so of course, I agreed (and thereafter marveled that he may be the first person who has actually asked before touching my belly). After we took the picture, he leaned in and said quietly, "You know, kids are really the greatest thing in the world." Again, I couldn't agree more. Good luck, Barack and Joe. We're all counting on you.

Our first Lamaze class...

"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can . . . ." The Lamaze teacher said that 90% of making it through a natural childbirth is your frame of mind. I totally believe that. I was just saying to Ed the night before our first class that although I really like the idea of delivering without an epidural, it is really hard to imagine myself toughing it through all that pain. I've never even broken a bone, for pete's sake. Trying to fathom an unfathomable pain and envisioning yourself willing yourself through it is pretty difficult. Good lord, I read the other day that some women emerge from labor with bruises on THEIR FACES AND CHESTS, just from straining so hard while pushing. Holy crap.

All that said, the first class actually did wonders in terms of improving my confidence. The teacher is also a labor doula, so she has assisted in a LOT of deliveries. That alone gives me confidence that she knows what she's talking about when she describes all the different ways to get through this. She also starts from the point of view that it's totally fine if you decide to go epidural, but if you want to do it naturally, you WILL get through it, and that the Lamaze techniques will help either way.

We learned a slow breathing technique that we're supposed to use once contractions begin, and although it's kind of hard to imagine doing it through a contraction, it is rather amazing how quickly the time passes when you're concentrating on your breathing. I would get through one long breath and she would already have counted off half of the contraction (they usually last 45 seconds to a minute). I started thinking, "Maybe this won't be impossible after all." But again, the unfathomable part (not to mention the facial bruising) is pretty disturbing.

More than anything, the Lamaze class just brought home again how close this little Turtle is getting to its arrival. Most of the other women in the class are significantly farther along than we are-- most are due in early to mid-October. We're taking the class now because they weren't offering one in October, and the Turtle might just decide to come a tad early before we would even be able to finish the November class! Just thinking about how close it is getting boggles the mind. Anyway, starting to think in all seriousness about the actual delivery is pretty freaky. You're pregnant for so long, and you read all the "books" about being pregnant-- you don't think much about the delivery, let alone what comes afterward. It really takes a moment (or several) to start to comprehend that at some point soon, you are no longer going to BE pregnant. And just before that point, you will go through what in all likelihood will be the most painful experience in your life to date (at least in mine, and only if I go without drugs, of course). And immediately after that point, your life will be changed in its entirety. Forever. Whew. It's a lot to chew on. And even more to look forward to.

Working Moms

Ed and I spent a blissful day with Bess at Quiet Waters Park near Annapolis. It was Labor Day and we went to rest. The park is gorgeous, complete with bike paths, a dog park, and even a dog beach where all kinds of pups were at play. We immediately began imagining the future days when we would bring the Turtle with us to this serene place.

So where's the rub in this lovely vision of ours? You may note that I haven't posted on the blog for 2 and a 1/2 weeks. This is no accident. Week before last I billed almost 70 hours (which means I worked more like 80 or so). Exhausted and totally burnt, I spent my evenings all last week in a stupor in front of televised Democratic convention speeches (not a bad way to spend those hours, in retrospect, but not the most productive, either). While a 70-hour billable week is certainly the exception and not the rule, there's no question that I have been working more and more as time goes on. Days creep longer and longer, until it's become routine not to leave until 6:30. Working "a few hours" (which could be 2 or 6 or more) on the weekend has become something of the norm. And while I intend to cut back on my hours when I return to work after maternity leave, 80% at a law firm is full-time pretty much anywhere else.

We've lived here in D.C. for a little over a year now, and yet I still feel like I barely know the place-- it's a beautiful city with many secrets to share, if only we had the time to discover them. Even shopping for groceries has become an elusive chore that takes more time than we seem to have. As the Turtle's arrival draws nearer and nearer, it gets harder and harder to think about how I will be able to justify to myself (and to the critical eyes of so many others, I'm sure) my time (overtime?) at the firm when I have a precious new presence in my life who is worthy and deserving of as much of my time as I can give.

My mom never worked at any point when I was a child. As I got older, she went back to school and later took on some volunteer roles, but she never worked full time. So I don't really have a model for how to do that successfully. I've come to terms with the fact that I can't have it all (at least not while also expecting every part of life to be as fulfilling as it might be standing on its own), but I still want a lot. I want to cook dinner for/with my family every night (or at least more nights than I do now, which is hardly any), spend quality time with my kids every day, take time for adventures as often as possible, take time for myself too, and on top of all that, feel not only competent, but successful and fulfilled at work. And I'm probably not any different than any woman who wants to work and raise kids at the same time. The question is, how do we do it?

Anyone with sage advice is welcome to post it here.